The Switchy Witch

Great thoughts on being a switch written by EndlessSoliloquy from Fetlife

*this has been re-posted here with permission from here:*

“I think being a switch is one of the hardest things to identify as in BDSM. Dominants and submissives have their established places, and even a top or a bottom has a familiar role. But a switch often gets ostracized from the community because no Dom/me wants them; they’re not a “true” submissive (whatever the hell that means). Few subs want to submit to a switch because they can’t REALLY know what they’re doing if they enjoy being on the receiving end of the paddle as well. Tops and bottoms will only play occasionally with a switch, because a switch is still someone who wants something with a deeper dynamic. It reminds me, a little bit, of how the gay and lesbian community look on someone who is bi – wanting a little of everything and not quite fitting into the prepared boxes. No, I’m not trying to say that everyone everywhere harbors these biases, but the communities as a large do. For some people, it’s a lot to overcome.

Even if one DOES manage to find a fellow switch, there still may be problems. They might both lean toward the submissive side. Or the dominant side. Some switch only between genders – i.e., a woman will submit to a man but be dominant toward another woman. Some can switch in the same scene. Some can’t switch at all once they’ve established their role with their current partner. Some only have those one or two subby bones in their body and let out that side only under carefully considered circumstances. Some want to be more dominant, but aren’t sure how. No wonder the rest of the community doesn’t understand us. WE don’t always understand us.

It’s in the vein of enlightenment that I’m finally putting this to text. No, my journey isn’t everyone’s — and I’d be shocked to learn if it was ANYone else’s — but I also know that what I think and feel, how I was shaped, and my opinions regarding the nature of submission and dominance will be shared by someone else, even if only in shards and fragments. Understanding one piece of the puzzle is the key to understanding the rest, even on an individual basis.

So then. The first lesson.

That which yields is not always weak.

One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books, and it resonates so deeply with me. So many people see a submissive attitude as a form of weakness, having no will or backbone, or simply unable to stand on their own. I wish I could break into those minds and SHOW them what it takes to be a sub. That it takes a kind of strength not everyone is familiar with to yield and follow. Anyone can lead. Anyone can bark orders and snarl until those orders are obeyed. It takes a large amount of courage to take that step beyond the simple courtesies that one will find in any good relationship and turn it into real service. You don’t always know if that trust in your Dom/me is misplaced until the crucial point has come and gone. What was offered out of love and lust can often be abused and taken for granted. The Dom/me is granted so many rights to make so many decisions because the biggest things in the relationship remain with the submissive. The pace of the scene, their limits, their fears, the trust that can be retracted at any time, and even the relationship itself hangs on a few choice words, even once that collar is on. Submission is the deepest gesture of loyalty. To serve is a great honor. Submission is not about pain and humiliation and having someone control every facet of your life. It’s about being so unselfish that you will put your Dom/me’s needs, wants and desires ahead of your own, and allow them to direct you in what wants and desires need to be fulfilled, and at what time and place. A Dom/me can take on many subs: a submissive only serves one master. That inner strength and loyalty is nothing to be sneered at.

My submission is a gift of love. It is not a weakness, nor does it mean that I’m going to be less opinionated and stubborn. I simply care enough to have someone to watch over me, love and nurture me. And I, in turn, fawn over them just as much. I’ve always been service-oriented in my romances. When dinner is made, my partner gets the first plate. When we’re walking together and there’s a place wide enough for only one to pass, my partner goes first. If I’m the one to drive, I unlock all the doors before I get inside myself. All the little things that everyone else would barely notice, I take pleasure in. In the bedroom, I can be anyone that my partner wishes me to be. My only goal is to please.

Obedience is not the first law. The first law is to honor, cherish and protect. The second is to serve. The third is to obey. If obedience interferes with the first two, toss it out the window.

I expect nothing more and nothing less from my submissive than I do from myself in that role. As a Domme, I don’t see my sub as property, but more like a knight serving in a court position close to his queen. Autonomous, independent, willful and even a bit cheeky. Mutual love and respect. A Domme is nothing without her sub but a bossy, arrogant jackass. She must have the strength to submit to her sub’s desires — the limits imposed, the use of a safe word, and how much trust that sub has extended to her. She can make as many rules as she wants, and dole out punishment as necessary, but always she must ensure that no boundaries are overstepped. Dom/mes work just as hard as subs do, and perhaps harder. A D/s relationship is often terribly fragile at its core, and too many new dominants don’t understand the responsibility they are taking on by claiming that role. Another human being has chosen YOU, with all your uncertainty and flaws, to entrust with their well-being. It’s a frightening thing. And enthralling. When you find that person who makes your heart race and your palms sweat. Who makes all your predatory instincts rise to the surface, all urging you to hunt and consume. Who makes you pull them tight against your chest and snarl away your competition and anything that could harm this little one now under your protection.

It’s a wondrous feeling. Heady, even., being able to experience both of these amazing mindsets, to feel both predator and prey, sadist and masochist, top and bottom.. Yes, I tend slightly more toward the dominant side, but my submissive side has often come calling. I think most switches understand the interplay of dominance and submission better than one who identifies as strictly one or the other. It’s difficult to understand something you’ve never experienced. Most Dom/mes are too proud, too afraid, or sometimes just too selfish to find pleasure in serving. And most subs can’t bring themselves to take on a role that has the potential to harm another.

I’m the rarest breed of switch: to switch equally with both genders, with the same partner, and sometimes even in the middle of a scene. At my core is a twisted little sadist who loves to make you squirm, teases you until you’re either going to explode or punch me (and should I let you out of your bonds, you might not know which to choose), and grin wickedly because I made you love every minute of it. Topping without passion won‘t ever be gratifying. Yes, I might be tempted to hand out a spanking, or a flogging, or a nibble here or there, but it’s purely for sport. The real satisfaction lies in the hunt, in feeling my inner Domme respond to the submissive aura of someone I love.

And wrapped around that core is a bubbly, silly little submissive who loves nothing more than to hear that I’ve done well, whether it be in the bedroom or not. Occasionally, when the little sadist hasn’t been allowed to play, it leaches around the corners of that subby wrapping, and brings the silly with it. Usually this results in a lot of affectionate name-calling and other such nonsense. I tease out of love.

Being a switch is hard. Despite being very versatile, there really is little place for us outside of our own. Few of us want to give up one side or the other for a partner who doesn’t switch. Even other switches don’t always coincide with our desires. We are the least understood, the most misunderstood, and are often told we are confused, unsure, or just don’t exist. I know that my personal switchiness and views on dominance and submission are eccentric, even to my switch peers. I realize I’m probably not the first person to come to in order to get a larger scope on how or why a switch is the way they are, but I hope this provides SOME insight into the matter. ~EndlessSoliloquy~”

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